A light-hearted post before tonight’s episode of Lost.

What about the writers?

I once heard that a reporter asked Irving Thalberg, “who is the most important person involved in the filmmaking process?” He said it was the screenwriter, and we must do everything in our power to keep them from ever realizing that.

The writing staff of Lost has brought us some of the best TV of the last 20 years. Some would say it’s the best TV ever, and they would have quite a fight on their hands when faced with a Battlestar fan.

What is a group of such gifted and talented writers to do when it’s all over?

Some will write a book.

Some will tell new stories.

They’ll get new jobs.

Maybe one will get a dog.

Some will be hired by other shows.

Wait. What???? How can such a brilliant storyteller possibly assimilate to another show? Easy, like this:

Two and a Half Men as written by the staff of Lost.

Jacob (Ha! Angus T. Jones) Harper receives a mysteriously unmarked package. It is a PS3 game. He inserts the disk. It is a Role Playing game of his life, and is called ‘Two and a Half Men.’ He begins playing, and notices that it follows his whole life as a linear storyline. He reaches the point in the game that is ‘today,’ his current time, and becomes worried as he encounters a philosophical conundrum. Does the game control him, or does he control the game? Jacob’s Father, Dr. Alan Jerome Harper, returns home from a date that went poorly. Jacob reveals that he knows that his Dad spilled red wine all over his date, which he learned in the game. Concerned for his son’s sanity. Alan has Jacob Committed to the Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute. It is revealed in the closing credits that Charlie (Charlie Sheen) was the programmer of the game. He discovered a musical sequence that opens a doorway to the future. Oh yeah, and he can turn into a bluish-gray cloud on a whim.

House, M.D as written by the staff of Lost

An Archeologist is flown into Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) in New Jersey. Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) is on-call and ready with one of his brilliant diagnoses. The Archeologist, played by Michael Emerson, was found in an Iraqi desert wearing a Sub-Zero gauged parka. He is speaking in tongues and vomiting blood. Incoherently he screams in both ancient languages and mathematical equations. House nicknames the virus ‘The God Bug.’ This man has been infected with pure unstoppable knowledge. His solution? A full frontal lobotomy. After the procedure is successfully performed, House discovers that the Virus is infectious. Uh-oh.

Fringe as written by the staff of Lost

It is pretty much the same, just a little better.

Thanks for reading! Enjoy tonight’s episode of Lost “What Kate Does” and let me know what you thought of it!

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